Hello Anxiety. You have been with me you for a while but I have just started recognising it. I have stopped distracting myself, pretending it isn’t happening or doing anything else to ignore that fact that I am here, right now, in the middle of it.
The thing is, it has been creeping up on me for a long while, things I thought I had dealt with, I haven’t, things I thought I had ‘got over’ haven’t been ‘got over’, just pushed to one side for a while and ignored, in the hope that they would go away.
The dangerous thing about ignoring anxiety
The dangerous thing about ignoring anxiety is that it can build, and build, and then out of nowhere something happens which you completely over react to, you even know it is an overreaction while it is happening, you might shout, or panic or just want to walk out of a situation you are in. You might want to blame someone else, think that if so and so hadn’t done such and such then it wouldn’t have happened but it is not yours, nor is it anyone else’s fault. The thing is, when you are anxious, you want to look to others to provide a solution, to make it all go away, whether that is a doctor prescribing pills or at the bottom of that bottle of wine, but they are just distractions, providing temporary relief, to hide away until the next time.
Enough is enough
Well this time I have decided that enough is enough. There is so much I can ‘blame’ my anxiety on and I am just not going to. I am going to give myself the chance to truly get through this, and this is, in reality, the most difficult path to take. The reason this is hard is because it doesn’t get better after one weekends rest, one evening out or that bottle of wine. It doesn’t get better with one trusted conversation with a trusted friend or family member or a packet of pills. It gets better because you decide you want it to get better, you want to face it and give it your all, even though it is a scary place to be and at times it feels like the world is going to fall apart.
Facing the fear
The fear is the most overwhelming thing, what if I face up to how I feel, sit with it and it never goes away, never gets better? That is when you need that person to hold your hand, to be that reassurance, trust and believe that you can get through this even when you think you can’t, someone you can 100% rely on, who isn’t going to bail when the going gets tough and you feel you can’t do it anymore.
That is who I have found and I know with her support I can crack this. It will not be an overnight job, no true successes in life are, but I know that if she can hold my hand through this, and support me to face my demons and see me out the other side I will be able to move forward, properly, without ignoring and pretending things aren’t there, without saying I am okay when I am really not okay, and without waiting for someone to offer some kind words or encouragement, instead thinking that I have it all together, that I am sorted.
My children are my motivation
My motivation is my children. I want them to have a mum who embraces her issues, her difficulties, does not become defined by them ‘I have anxiety’, I have depression’ but instead faces up to what is going on and moves through it. Life is not easy, my boys need to understand that challenges can occur at every step, it is how you deal with them and move on from them that counts.
My message to anxiety
So anxiety, you are not my friend, I am not going to play with you any more, I am going to face you and stop being scared of you, and I can already feel the sense of peace, and calm which is waiting for me, right now.
You do not need to suffer alone
There is a community out there that is waiting to help, whether that’s an online group or a person you can trust. You do not need to suffer alone.
I am here to listen. You can join my supportive community here or reach out to me at [email protected], even just saying the words “I need to talk”. There are a number of simple and effective ways I can help – and a conversation costs nothing. See my website for more details.
About Clare Cogan – Creating Calm
Clare Cogan is a Marlow-based practitioner and therapist. Here to offer tailored therapeutic support and advice to ease the anxiety in your life. Know that you or your child do not need to suffer. Reach out.