I have written before about the journey we navigate with teens, and all the challenges which can come our way.
We like to think we are prepared for the challenges, the external stuff which happens, the things we may consider the ‘threats’ within the teenage years. We might think about it outwardly in terms of being exposed to drinking, vaping, making risky and dangerous choices…the list is endless.
So, the other day my son was having a driving lesson. And when he arrived home the driving instructor asked to speak with us. In normal parent mode, I automatically assumed something was wrong, maybe he’d crashed the car! I went into ‘worst case scenario’ mode.
His instructor shared that my son, just a few minutes into his driving lesson, had been subjected to an extreme and prolonged experience of road rage with a lorry driver swearing and shouting at him having stopped his vehicle in front of their car. His instructor was clearly aware of the impact this experience had had on my boy, as he spent some time with him just sitting in the car afterwards, talking to him and helping him with the experience, and felt the need to share it with us.
And I am so glad he did.
Even as I write this I feel emotional. How dare a grown man behave in such an aggressive and unfeeling manner towards a teenage boy. What gives him the right to think that is okay?
The anger is palpable, flowing through me, and I didn’t have anywhere to channel it.
I wasn’t there.
And I felt powerless.
I had let my nearly 18 year old, 6ft 4 baby go out into the world and someone unnecessarily insulted him, shook him up and upset him.
My inner lioness was and still is, completely activated.
So…in this situation I could have been completely distracted by the external nature of this event, talked about it, shared it continually and rehashed the injustice of it, out of fear for my son and his well-being.
Or, I can acknowledge that I can’t change what happened, it was hard and unacceptable, but what I do next as a parent of a teenager is what I have learnt to do to help myself, and my boys feel safe and contained.
When we don’t feel in control when parenting our teens, we often look outside of ourselves, and the situation to manage it. Someone to blame (the driver) and feel vindicated and justified by it, because the behaviour was unacceptable.
But…this situation is a reflection of the journey we go on as parents of teens, when we are having to learn to let go, not be in control anymore. These things will happen, where our children will feel uncertain, unsafe, and vulnerable. And I can’t make any changes which could have prevented, or controlled this situation, just as we can’t control situations they may face in their everyday life.
So I have learnt to do something different, I checked in with the feelings and emotions which came up for me, after making sure my boy was okay, and what he was holding after the experience (his driving instructor was also massively helpful with that too).
And what I realised is that I need to recognise where I am reacting from a place of fear about my boy being exposed to these really tough situations, and that the desire to control the external to protect him as his parent is really strong. It would be completely unrealistic to stop his driving lessons so he would not be exposed to any kind of aggression in the future, and the message that would give is that my son, as nearly an adult, is that he is not capable of dealing with other people’s emotions and behaviour, only I can do it for him. Through any action on my part, this would put him in a more vulnerable position in the future as he is not learning how to support and guide himself. But, if I do not recognise the internal struggle inside me, my own feeling of vulnerability, then the desire to hold my boy close in the future could prevent his own growth and evolution.
What I can do is get some support for him to manage what happened to aid his growth, but at the same time, recognising my own fears and vulnerabilities and stepping back.
I am no longer going to be able to be there all the time, to protect, to make everything okay. And in recognising and ‘dealing’ with my own feelings and emotions, I can give my boy his opportunity to grow and navigate his own path.
So, for us as parents of teens, recognising our internal journey and our reaction to external events, is transformational when we are creating an easier path for our teens.
So, I am sure, as parents of teenagers, you can relate to this situation and recall a scenario where you felt powerless, out of control and fearful for your child. It’s such a tough place to be, and to decide how to act and react can depend on our ability to take a moment, step back and decide what is needed to help support rather than control the situation for them to achieve the safest outcome for them. We can’t stop our teens, learning, growing, making choices (and mistakes) and being exposed to new things, but we can place support around them to help them deal with it when it does.
And that’s where ‘It Starts with You’, my parent programme comes in, to give you a safe space to reflect, explore and be guided along some of those really overwhelming feelings and emotions which none of us are immune to, none of us really know how to handle in a given moment due to that instinct to protect our children. Where I share the journey of embracing all of the parts of us which are challenged when managing this parenting journey.
More details are here or reply to this email with any thoughts or questions you may have, I am always very happy to hear from you.