Nurturing Independence in Young People
As parents, it can be tempting to smooth the way for our teenagers. We want to give them a good start, protect them from struggle, and sometimes we step in when we don’t need to. But just because we can, does it mean we should?
In my own parenting journey, I’ve learned that the greatest growth often comes when we step back and allow our young people to step in.
What Does “Skin in the Game” Mean?
There’s a phrase I sometimes use that isn’t really “me.” It feels a bit businessy, but it works to explain this idea. The phrase is “skin in the game.”
To me, it means having an investment in something that makes it more meaningful, with real, tangible outcomes. When we’ve contributed—whether through time, effort, or money—we naturally feel more responsible, and that responsibility can spark motivation.
Learning to Drive: A Real-Life Example
Both my boys have been learning to drive recently. From the outset we agreed we’d pay for half of their lessons and the cost of their tests, but they would need to cover the other half.
No lessons were booked until they decided they were willing to take this on. They both had jobs, so they understood the cost and made a commitment. My youngest has even realised that more practice with his dad means fewer lessons to pay for, saving him money in the long run.
By contributing financially, they weren’t just being “helped out”—they had a real stake in their learning. That’s skin in the game.
Why Contribution Matters
When our young people make a contribution—however big or small—they learn so much more than the skill itself. They discover that effort, focus, and commitment lead to reward.
I still remember buying my first car. I was in my last year at university, and I paid for it with money I had saved up over the years, including 50p coins my nan used to give me. That car meant the world to me—not just because it was mine, but because I had worked for it.
The Temptation to Make Life Easy
As parents, it’s natural to want to smooth the way. But if we cover every cost, solve every problem, and manage every detail, we risk short-cutting the process our teens really need: learning how to navigate life themselves.
When we control outcomes or try to make things perfect, our young people may grow dependent on us to pick up the pieces. And when it’s time for them to step into adulthood, they’ll be looking behind them for us instead of trusting themselves.
Trusting Them to Grow
I’m not saying we should withdraw support. Our role is still to guide, encourage, and provide a safety net when needed. But growth happens when they take responsibility and learn through experience.
We don’t get to decide the timing, either. Sometimes they won’t follow the “correct” path, or they’ll take longer to decide. That’s part of the process. True confidence comes not from keeping us happy, but from being free to make their own choices—even if we don’t always agree with them.
Stepping Away to Let Them Step In
No one has all the answers. But when we allow our teens to put “skin in the game,” we give them the best chance of building resilience, independence, and trust in themselves.
Sometimes, we simply need to step away so they can step in. The results may not look like we expect, but they are often better than we could have imagined.