I don’t know about you, but the way I communicate with and understand my two teen boys is always changing. It can change with their moods (and mine) but also their age, what they have going on in their lives and how much headspace we all have to have good, well-meaning conversations.
A few years ago, someone recommended a book to me which was a great foundation to truly understanding how we relate to other people we are in some kind of relationship with. It was written from the perspective of ‘adult to adult’ but has since been written to accommodate different relationships, including adult to teen and teen to teen.
The book is called ‘Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman and it focuses on the five main ways we express our love and affection towards another. These are acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts and quality time. We all have a ‘primary love language’ and understanding this helps us to understand other needs as well as our own.
Very often with teenagers, we use direct communication to try and understand how they may be feeling, or offer support, but if your home is anything like mine, that approach will often be met with a monosyllabic response. This is often because the way we value communication and expressing our love and support is not the way the recipient does.
So….if you are someone who finds real value in ‘acts of service’ and appreciates it when someone you love does something for you, cooks a meal, walks the dog, offers to pick up the children when they see you are really busy, very often we assume that that person also values these acts above all else, so we reciprocate by doing the same thing to show our mutual affection. However, it may be that their primary love language is quality time, and they derive most feelings of love and affection from you when you actively do things together and make time for each other, even if it is just a ten-minute chat in-between life happening!
The point of this is that sometimes we can try so hard to communicate how much we value and appreciate someone, we can sometimes lose sight of what they may find of value, as we focus our efforts on what we find supportive and loving.
We can apply this also in our relationship with our teens. I know at the moment my acts of service come into play with my oldest being midway into his GCSEs. I do things that I know he likes but don’t expect a response from him. His morning smoothie being an example. This is my way of showing him my love, support and care without asking him if he is alright every five minutes! I am also very aware that physical touch is not his main language so I focus on creating an environment where he feels supported even when it’s been a tough day without hugging him. I love a hug but he is not so keen so respecting that helps us in our relationship.
The biggest trap with applying these principles to our teens is that sometimes we really want them to respond to the love languages we are most comfortable receiving, because it sometimes feels more difficult to focus on their preferences. What these love languages do is give us an awareness and understanding of how we can adapt our approach in a mindful way and see a real shift in our relationship at times when communication may have stalled.
And for me, anything which helps me understand a different and innovative approach to supporting my teen and my other relationships is a positive one for me.
I hope this is helpful. If you want to read more and take the quiz to discover your primary love language then you can visit the official love language website www.5lovelanguages.com.
If you or your teen would like my support, I offer a feee, 30 minute chat where I can explain more about the support process and you can ask any questions and then, when you or your teen are ready, we can get started together. Contact me at clare@clarecogan.com.