I am really struggling today…..

To most this may seem incredibly small fry in today’s challenging times, but I share as an illustration of how some things can become bigger than we expect and the reasons this can happen.

Those of you who kindly read my messages (and I am very grateful that you do!) know that I have two sons, my oldest who is a rower and the youngest who runs. Sports that give them fulfilment, challenge and joy in equal measure.

The struggle I have at the moment is mine, and it has to do with ‘being selected’. I see this everywhere, not matter what activities your children are part of, and it’s a hard one to take.

It’s great when your child is included, they are part of the team, the crew, or the performance, but what about when they aren’t? There is a school of thought that this is ‘character building’ it teaches them about life etc etc, but sometimes it is plain old disappointing, and that’s okay.

So, my scenario is about my oldest who is the fifth crew member vying for a place in a quad. He has stepped up several times as a reserve but through circumstances through no-ones control (weather, illness etc) has not realised that opportunity, so yet again, as a I write he is not racing while his teammates are despite equalling them when it comes to training and commitment.

It’s hard.

Not for him strangely enough because he is in the training and has all the context and understanding of the bigger picture, but for me.

To receive the emails, time after time and see the ‘top quad’ without his name on the list. It’s like a little dagger, and it was starting to really preoccupy me.

Now my son is 17, and I am not a parent who will start emailing coaches to find out why, to insist that the balance is redressed, I don’t believe it is my place, whatever they do there will always be one of them ‘left out’.

And it was that terminology that made me realise that this had nothing to do with my son and the selection process. It was all me.

Because when you have grown up with a lifetime of not feeling ‘good enough’, how much more personal does it feel when it’s playing out in front of you, not with you but with your child. What I have noticed is how much more difficult this makes it, because it’s a situation I have absolutely no control over, just a bundle of unresolved feelings and emotions I don’t know really what to do with. And they do feel uncomfortable, but often that means I need to notice them, and not get angry at myself or, more importantly, project my feelings of vulnerability or my son or his situation.

We have to allow our teens to experience their journey for themselves, and recognise that our feelings and emotions about a situation are not to do with them, but how we are reacting. And to be conscious of this means we avoid doing or saying something which we may later regret.

So, despite the discomfort, I have established my son is doing okay with the journey, he knows what he needs to do to get into that boat should he wish to, and I am leaving him to navigate that journey, not matter how hard it is to do that, it’s another ‘sit on my hands’ moment!

And my message to you, lovely readers is this. If you have an overwhelming response to a situation regarding your young person which is not in your control, take a minute before you react, breathe before you write that email to the person who you feel is in charge of making that decision. Recognise where those feelings are coming from and why, and talk to your child and gauge where they are at. A reaction in the moment can sometimes blow up a situation beyond what it is meant to, and this can sometimes be more difficult that the situation itself.

Love Clare x