I don’t want this to be another message about ‘managing exam stress’. We all know that this time of year can be tough going for our teens, and a hard time for us to navigate too.
When my oldest sat his GCSE’s last year, nothing prepared me for the rollercoaster of emotions I went through as a parent. The worries and concerns about whether he was ‘doing enough’ revision, getting enough rest and or whether he was more anxious about things than I realised.
Working with teens, I have to be honest that it can sometimes be counterproductive for me as a parent. Sometimes I feel like a bloodhound trying to sniff out any potential issue, anxiety or stress in my own boys, leading to plenty of eye rolls and ‘you asked me that five minutes ago’ moments!
I am only human. As a professional I can show up for the young people who are my valued clients and give the emotional support, safe space and listening ear they need. But as I leave my log cabin and walk up the garden into my home, I am again that parent, a parent who can feel as vulnerable, anxious and overwhelmed as any parent of teenagers is feeling right now.
Exam season can make us feel exposed, almost like it is a test of our parenting, our support, and our guidance. Opinions and advice are literally everywhere, and we are constantly analysing whether we have done enough, or not enough. We are tuned into to every word, every reaction and we just want to make sure our kids are okay.
Without considering the toll it can take on us.
Many a time I hear parents say that they just want their children to do their best, they will be proud of them whatever. But then the self-doubt creeps in, we have an unfortunate conversation with a ‘friend’ who tells you that their child has been doing 6 hours of revision a night, and we start to worry. We feel unprepared so we look to others for guidance, but all we are faced with are others’ opinions and interpretations of their own and their children’s experiences, which are not ours or our children’s.
And sometimes it can be so lonely.
More and more I am also supporting young people who, for a variety of reasons, are unable to get into school. They are not ‘school refusers’ as wider society chooses to believe, they are individuals who are unable to cope with intensive and relentless academic, social, and physical demands of school. And it is not their fault.
And as their parents, who are trying desperately to meet those expectations which school present them with, knowing deep down the knocks to their child’s self confidence and self-esteem every time there is another suggestion for how to get into school, and every time they can’t, it can be soul destroying.
Surrounded by talk of revision, exams and results, these parents are just hoping their young people will do enough to ‘fit’ into this box, jump through that hoop so they can let go of the pressure and take some positive steps towards their future.
So no, it’s not all about managing exam anxiety, nerves, and stress. It’s about acknowledging and accepting that we are all going through our own challenges during this period of time. No-one has it easy, and one journey is most definitely not the same as the next. The sooner we are able to accept this diversity and difference, the better for our children and their own individual experiences.
Please let’s stop pretending. Be honest with how you are feeling with the people that can accept you for who you are and what you are experiencing, rather than using it as a focus of comparison in their own lives.
You are not alone, and I am right here with you.
Love Clare x