What a summer!
You may have noticed that I took a break from my messages over the summer because I needed some time out, like we all did. I guess to break from routine, spend some time with our families and friends and do something different.
However, what I notice when I don’t write is that the words build up in my head and I end up with a notes app full of reminders of things I really want to talk about from observing and experiencing life with teens.
This summer has been a poignant one for us as a family because this time next year both our boys will be sitting their GCSE’s and A’ Levels. Kinda makes for fun times ahead. The way I often cope is by researching, planning and preparing, it’s the way I keep my anxiety at bay and prevent as much overwhelm as possible. So, I have been a casual observer of the build-up, crescendo and levelling out of, in particular, the A’ Level to University and beyond experience.
And this is what formulates the message I am writing to you today, whatever stage on the educational journey your young person is at, and however they are experiencing education.
We, as parents need to be the antidote to our young people seeing exams and their resulting grades as the be all and end all of their lives and their futures. Not just paying lip service to this but being congruent to what we are saying.
Some of the feedback and responses I have read from our parents following results have, in my humble opinion been beyond belief. From a parent stating that she was embarrassed about her child’s grades and didn’t want anyone to know (none of their business anyway!) to others pushing their children to agree to remarks of exam papers because they might ‘regret it’ if they could have got a grade higher, even if they have achieved the next step on their journey. Parents literally crying with disappointment in their children and supporting devastated young people because they feel their futures are over.
And it does not matter how many reassuring comments there are to counteract those statements, how many people who provide amazing stories of young people whose lives have not gone the way they planned but have found a path totally right for them, the stress and the parental negatives far outweigh the positives.
Reading these comments as they unfolded helped me greatly, because I can see some of the potential pitfalls for myself next year. We all want our children to feel accomplished, happy, and fulfilled, but we also know that life does not work like that, and it is often through our greatest challenges that we learn the most about ourselves, what is important to us and what we truly want to do and be in our lives.
We are currently discussing university as an option for our son, but I (and hand on heart when I say this) want him to choose something which lights him up, which he thinks about and can’t wait to learn more about, something which may not set him on the right ‘career path’ and may not earn him the highest salary. Because truly, whether your child gets into a ‘top uni’ (something else my naïve brain did not compute that has now become a ‘thing’) or not does not correspond with how happy they will be in life.
And we need to be cautious. Because your responses to your young people and how you guide and support them on their journey will be based on your own experiences, your own history, and your own personal goals for your child, whether you want to admit that or not. I hold my hands up; I have almost been discouraging of my son going to uni. Why? Because I went and ticked every box in my academic career up to Masters level and although I loved my uni experience after the first year, I faced some of the toughest mental health battles I have ever had and at times hung on by a thread to keep me going.. I am glad I did, and it taught me so much about myself and what I needed for my future, but it also made me realise that there is no rush, it’s okay if at 17 years old our children aren’t ready to take the leap into the next step of education, to leave home and establish their independence.
We need to stop feeding our children onto a conveyor belt and to explore with ourselves how it feels ourselves to get caught up in that process. To see what our ‘stuff’ is, our human reactions and emotions, and what’s theirs. No good came from putting our own expectations on our children. I am guilty of doing this and I spend a lot of time taking a step back and working this out.
And by the way, this is not a ‘point the finger’ message. This is my space to reflect on what I have observed and an opportunity to learn from this so we can better support our children moving through the less structured period of their lives. There is no race, there is no finish line, it is the opportunity to enjoy the journey, but if we spend all our time just purely focusing on the outcome, then our young people will believe that is what they need to do too.
Love Clare x
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