I am sitting here, in a hotel room, on my own.
Yesterday I dropped my oldest off at what was termed a ‘university experience’. An overnight stay where prospective students get to experience a small taste of ‘uni life’ to see whether they feel it would be the right path for them. Expanding on the traditional ‘open days’, it felt like a good opportunity for my son to just get a concept of what being in this environment may mean prior to making a uni application.
At 17 years old, how do you truly know what you want to do after leaving school? From a familiar environment of school, then maybe college, with a similar aged cohort, to all of a sudden the ‘big wide world’?
And it’s so hard, as a parent to let go and give our children the opportunity to start making their own decisions about the next steps in their lives, when you have been so involved over the years either making those decisions, or at least being a significant influence in that decision making process. Our ‘bigger picture’ thinking as adults means that we can often seen the positives and pitfalls of any potential decision-making process for our teens, although it does not follow that we should direct them completely.
Yesterday was my first experience of having to walk away when I wanted to stay, to see how things ‘panned out’. More than anything I wanted to watch how my boy would ‘cope’, maybe engage with the other attendees on the event and gain more insight into the experience itself.
But it’s not about me.
And I had to walk away.
And this stretched my heart strings a little, especially when I saw the boys all standing next to each other, but not quite well versed in how to start up a conversation.
But that is what life is about, feeling a bit uncomfortable and working out how to bridge that gap, to make new connections and understand how this happens post school life.
And then last night I was so tempted to text him, to find out how ‘he was getting on’. But again, I stopped myself, took a minute and decided to leave him be. Not because I don’t care, but I want him to feel those feelings of freedom, of independence, knowing I am there in the background but not having me in the forefront of his thinking. Wanting him to just be in the moment.
And as I sit here, writing this, I know that I am letting my boy go, but not losing him. This is just the next step, on the journey of experiences for them to test the newfound feeling of what it means to move towards adulthood, to do something different. It may go well, it may not, but he has tried, and no-one can ask for than that.
And for me, the emotional roller coaster is just beginning as I start to step back and let my boy fly, hoping with all my heart that the roots I have given him will allow his wings to be strong.
And as parents, that is all we can possibly wish and hope for our teens.