When our children reach life’s big milestones, we naturally focus on helping them prepare. What I’ve come to realise is that sometimes all the organising isn’t really about them. It’s our way of coping with the emotional weight that parenting transitions can bring.
At the start…..
Two years ago, my oldest received his place at university and the organising began.
Looking back now, I can also see just how much that first year changed both of us. I’ve written more about what I learnt from that experience in my blog about my son’s first year at university.
Researching.
Shopping.
Endless lists of everything he would need.
I even visited the town where he would be studying, just to get a feel for the area and a sense of where my boy would be spending the next three years of his life.
At the time, I thought I was preparing him.
Looking back, I can see I was coping.
And then I realised….
We unpacked his room, went out for lunch and then it was time to leave.
He looked at me.
I looked at him.
In that moment, I saw the realisation in his eyes. This was it. It was time for us to leave so he could take this step into his chosen future.
Walking away from him was the hardest thing I have ever done as a mum.
Not because I didn’t want him to go. I did. This was everything he had worked so hard for.
But because, in that moment, I realised I had no more organising to prop me up.
What I’ve come to understand about parenting transitions
So here I am, two years later, with my youngest about to leave on his own university adventure.
What I’ve come to understand about myself is this.
Sometimes all the organising isn’t really about the practical tasks at all.
Sometimes it’s the way I protect myself from what’s coming next.
I’ve noticed myself returning to the lists, the organising, the planning, the preparing. This time, with more practical knowledge from experience, but still with a heaviness in my heart.
Because I know that, at some point in the very near future, the organising will stop.
And that’s when the real work begins.
The work of navigating the emotions of letting go.
Looking beyond university
This experience made me wonder how many of us, as parents, who are so good at putting our children front and centre of our lives, use the practical day to day expectations, especially during times of transition, as a way of coping with the emotional weight they can bring.
And I’m not just talking about university.
September brings all kinds of changes, whether your child is starting school, moving to secondary school or beginning another academic year. I shared more about navigating those seasonal changes in Parenting Teens Through Change: September Survival Guide.
They are all important steps forward for our children, but they often ask something of us too.
We have to readjust.
We have to learn to navigate the ever changing landscape of what it means to be their parent.
More than just a parent
I’ve come to realise that every step forward in our children’s lives is another step for us to take stock, recalibrate and understand ourselves a little better. Letting go isn’t something we do once. I’ve written before about how it happens in stages throughout our children’s lives, not just when they leave home in Letting Go as a Parent of a Teenager.
The emotions we feel deeply, or sometimes try to pretend aren’t there, are real.
They are expected.
When our children finally fly the nest, we no longer have somewhere to turn to preoccupy ourselves.
That’s when we have to remember who we are, not only as a parent, but as a person too.
Clare x
If this resonated with you…
Parenting teenagers isn’t just about supporting them. It’s also about understanding ourselves. If you’re looking for support, you’ll find my latest workshops, events and ways to work with me here.